The end goal…

I am going through a bit of theological transition right now. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time. It has been difficult to put it all into words, but this is my attempt to do so. I’m speaking from the heart here, so don’t take any of this as final, completely formed thoughts. This is only the beginning.

It started for me the weekend of Mother’s Day. I drifted back onto Twitter a few days before that, and found it in freak-out mode over some SBC churches allowing women to speak from the pulpit for the occasion. Beth Moore was the subject of particularly hostile rhetoric, and the ensuing conversation roiled me. In addition to that, much Twitter “ink” was being spilled over matters of social justice, critical theory, and progressive Christianity. On still a third front, the responses of some to the shocking death of Rachel Held Evans were appalling. Instead of mourning the loss of a fellow Christian, so young, with family and two littles and a sea of friends left behind, certain groups took the opportunity to politicize the loss and trash her life’s work. Classy.

All this drama left me rattled, and seemed to accelerate what was already becoming a major thought path for me. Where do I land on matters of social justice and the church? Or women and the church? Since I am a Black woman, these two subjects are deeply personal to me. I am not a spectator in this debate.

I’ll start with the question of women in ministry, as this seems to be the most pressing issue for me right now.

I love the Word and love to share it with others. That is the passion of my heart. Where did this passion originate? I have no interest in usurping anyone’s “authority”; I don’t care about titles or platforms. I just want to preach Christ and Him crucified. For those of us who don’t know what to think or believe about women in leadership or teaching roles in the church, this most recent (and ongoing) Twitter spat has been disorienting and demoralizing. Everyone says theirs is the *right* biblical view – who do I believe? What do I believe? It is frustrating and wearying. This is not theory for me. This is life, this is my love for Jesus. This is real and tangible.

Thirteen years ago I walked away from seminary jaded and disillusioned because I didn’t see the point of having the degree. I’m a woman after all – and the seminary I attended didn’t encourage me to explore what this passion for ministry meant, unless it was restricted to women or children. I still wonder, I still question, and still feel the confusion and frustration of this conversation. This is a soul ache, not an academic exercise. I want to be faithful to the Lord. I am less confident of my ability to do so now more than ever.

The Bible is life to me, my spiritual food. I love thinking about it, talking about it, meditating on it – and teaching it. I love theology. I love the pursuit, the acquisition – and yes, the teaching of it. I love to teach. I love to declare truth. I’m passionate about it. Where did that passion come from if not from the Lord?

This is the challenge: I have been for the most part fairly conservative in my theological leanings. At one point I strongly held a Calvinistic view of soteriology. Reformed Theology (RT) in general is fascinating and deeply satisfying to me on a certain level because it is so systematic and tidy. I like all the blanks filled and the PowerPoint presentation with multilayered bullet points to define and refine every detail. My brain is wired to analyze the life out of darn near anything – and then analyze my analysis. I think it’s a sickness…

But for reasons that go beyond the scope of this post, the fascination with RT has led to dismay on many fronts. I am especially dismayed by the marriage of Reformed Theology with Complementarianism, and the implication that Complementarianism is integral to an orthodox belief of the Gospel message. The favored translation of Complementarians (the ESV), is “unapologetically Complementarian“, and their changes to passages like Genesis 3:16 in their 2016 revision proves the point. The implication is that you can only be “biblical” if you believe Complementarianism is true. If not, well…

This is essentially what was taking place in the Twitter freak-out over women preaching on Mother’s Day. The question that rang louder and louder in my ear was, “But is that true”?

Let me be clear: I do not doubt the Gospel, the reliability of Scripture, the existence of God, or any of the foundational doctrines of the Christian faith (read my most recent post). What I am arguing here is that Complementarianism is not one of those foundational doctrines. It should not be used as a measuring rod for biblical faithfulness, orthodoxy, or saving faith (especially saving faith) – and the insistence that it must makes me queasy. At bottom, I am questioning the notion that is the only “biblical’ way, or the best way.

I’ve started on this journey before and stopped and turned around because it was too uncomfortable. I’m sure if I look in my archives, I will find a similar post with similar laments and frustrations. I have been avoiding this path. I don’t want to take this journey. But it keeps coming back. The “certainty” I once had about complementarian views of biblical manhood and womanhood no longer hold as much weight. The cognitive dissonance is becoming too much to bear. I can no longer avoid this question. I must take a deep breath and dive in.

The end goal is drawing deeply for the well of God’s Word, drawing closer to Him, and growing in my understanding of who He is and who I am in light of that.

Comments about the Gospel and justice will have to come in a later post. Right now all my emotional and mental energy is focused in on this question of women in ministry.

I don’t know where I will land. I just know I want to follow Jesus wherever He leads.

More later…grace and peace…

Don’t block your blessings…

That’s one of those clichés that I’ve heard more times than I care to think about. It is usually meant as a form of encouragement: Don’t resist or seek to avoid those things that may seem unpleasant or unwanted. A hidden blessing may lurk underneath.

Cue the eye roll…

But there seriously is some truth to that statement. At times, our blessings come to us in the most unexpected ways and from the most unexpected places. On the flip side, what we think are blessings can often turn out to be anything but.

As I mentioned yesterday, I am currently journeying through a process to decide what I think about this whole biblical womanhood thing. I’m thinking about this as a single, childless 40-something Christian woman who wants to faithfully live out my days for the glory of my Lord and Creator. During this process, I’ve spent an awful lot of time trying to determine who I should and shouldn’t listen to, what voices I should embrace, and which ones I should shut out. And to a certain degree, that is a good thing. Some folks just don’t know what they are talking about, bless their hearts. Or they are so far afield they are dangerous.

But even in seeking to understand those who may not have it right or with whom I do not agree, I can still have a charitable heart and listen, even if I don’t agree. My foundational beliefs are there – my God is there. Ultimately, He is what grounds me, keeps me steady, helps me discern truth. In fact, it is in those conversations or interactions with teaching that I don’t agree with or understand that my own beliefs and convictions are refined and sometimes redefined. I have to be open to the fact that I am wrong sometimes.

So, as I embark on this new adventure, I’m not going to block any of those blessings! I am ready to be challenged, to grow, to move. I have a starting point – my non-negotiables (which I will share tomorrow). And I have my foundation in Christ. He steadies me and tethers me to Himself. I can depend on Him.

More later; until then, grace and peace…